The Fort Steele Follies
or
Constable Sparky and the Curse of the Hoodwinked Swede
A Rollicking Comedy with Songs!

by Mike Rinaldi and TJ Dawe
© 2002

SPARKY: Ladies and Gentleman. I'm Constable Sparky. Welcome to the Fort Steele Follies. Before we begin, I am required to issue the following warnings on behalf of the Royal Northwest Vaudeville Society. (Pulls paper and reading glasses out of right pocket. puts on glasses. Reads:)
The following activities are forbidden in this theatre during a vaudeville performance:
running up and down the aisles,
unwrapping and/or eating of edibles,
flash or video photography,
origami,
volleyball,
and water-skiing,

If any audience member is caught indulging in any one or more of the aforementioned, he or she will be severely inshplecticated. (puts glasses and paper back in right pocket. Pulls out another piece of paper, short and wide, and another pair of glasses, those short narrow bi-focals, from left pocket. puts them on. Reads:)
The cast will be more than happy to pose for pictures outside the theatre immediately following the production.
(Puts glasses and paper away. pulls out another piece of paper which is half as wide, puts on a monocle. Reads.)
Theatre Patrons: This Production deals with absurd subject matter and some scenes which use slapstick and cheap gags. This production is not recommended for intelligent viewers.
(puts paper and glasses away)

And now may I direct your attention over here to my right. Your left. Sitting upon that piano bench there is the rump of the talented and esteemed nimble-digited musician _________.
Extending above and below that rump, and including the rump, is the musician him(her)self who will now, with a musical segue, usher us into our opening number.


OPENING NUMBER
SONG AND DANCE EXTRAVAGANZA INVOLVING EVERYONE.
Song is about:
-This show was SO fantastic
-Show was best show the Fort has ever seen
-because of show, Fort Steele will prosper forever.

NARRATOR(Sparky)
Well folks, I'll bet you're wondering why this particular show that we're all singing about was so important to Fort Steele's history. Well, I'll tell you. Because it happened on the opening day of the Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera house in front of an audience of Dignified Fort Steele citizens and Newspaper Reporters from all over the Northwest. And this opening night performance came dangerously close to being completely ruined by a series of extremely spooky mishaps.

The whole story begins on the morning of the big opening day performance of the Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera House. The manager and owner of the New Theatre was the mysterious, shadowy, and moustachioed Count Humphrey Grossbottom. (eerie cords on piano, and maniacal villainous laugh from backstage). Count Grossbottom was conferring with his custodial engineer and right hand man, the sweet, innocent, lovable and hapless Mr. J.R. Dunk.

(Dunk enters sweeping)

Mr. Dunk can't see me because I'm just narrating. So I'll leave now and let you watch how the story unfolds.

(Sparky exits and curtains open. Grossbottom is there and immediately begins talking to Dunk)

GROSSBOTTOM: DUNK, my boy!

DUNK: Yessir Mr Grossbottom, what can I do for you?

GROSSBOTTOM: (very evil) Has there been any word yet on when our Special Guests will be arriving?

DUNK: No sir, Mr Grossbottom, I was going to go check for mail when I finished the sweeping, sir.

GROSSBOTTOM: Yes! The Sweeping! HAHAHA. (comes downstage rubbing hands together greedily) Excellent work, dunk. Excellent. Soon, all the preparations will be prepared, the sweepings will be swept, the laundry will be laundered, the dust will be dusted, - all the chores will be.. will be

DUNK: Chored, sir?

GROSSBOTTOM: QUIET, Dunk!

DUNK: Sorry sir.

GROSSBOTTOM: All the chores will be done, Dunk. DONE. Not chored, my boy! The chores will be done.

DUNK: that's right, sir, everything will be ready. Tonight will be a big success, that's for sure. You can count on me.

GROSSBOTTOM: QUIET Dunk! Yes my friend! It's all coming together magnificently. HA HA. Why, in mere hours, I'll have the stalwart citizenry of Fort Steele all packed in here shoulder to shoulder and the opening will be a grand success. BAHAHAH. All of my work, my many months of scheming, will tonight sprout glorious buds, which will flower, Dunk, into plump fruits, which will ripen and then drop deliciously into my hungry gaping mouth. BAHAHHA.

DUNK: They sure will, Mr Grossbottom. There's no doubt about that.

GROSSBOTTOM: (Still laughing maniacally) HAHAHAHAH

DUNK: Well, Mr Grossbottom, I'm all finished here with the sweeping. I guess I'll go check on the mail now, sir.

GROSSBOTTOM: (Catching his breath) haha. The Mail. YES, Dunk. The MAIL. WONDERFUL. AAHAHAHAHA!

DUNK: Yes, sir. That's right. The Mail. Well, off I go. (exeunt Stage L.)

(Paperboy (SM) enters S.R)

PAPERBOY: EXTRA, EXTRA! Read all about it: Sternwheeler Capsizes , Loses Pickle Shipment and Portly Irishman.

GROSSBOTTOM: I say, paperboy! Is there anything in there about Tonight's Show?

PAPERBOY: Why, yes there is, Mr Grossbottom. (reading) Travelling Theatre Group to perform tonight at The Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera House Opening. See Page four.

GROSSBOTTOM: How magically delicious! I'll take one, please!

PAPERBOY: Here you go, sir. That'll be two cents.

GROSSBOTTOM: Two pennies it is. Hee hee hee. Here's one, my lad. And here's the other one. (he bursts out laughing.)
...

PAPERBOY: Thanks sir.

GROSSBOTTOM: Boy. Had you planned on attending, this evening's gala?

PAPERBOY: I wanted to, sir, but I spent my weeks wages on salted licorice gum.

GROSSBOTTOM: Well, then, you might appreciate this complimentary ticket! Compliments of Count Humphrey Hindenberg Grossbottom himself!

PAPERBOY: Oh boy, sir, thanks a lot!

GROSSBOTTOM: No no, boy, ... Thank YOU.!! HA HA HA HA...

(Menacing Piano music. as he goes downstage, rubbing hands together laughing. Finishes laughing, music resolves and Humphrey is left standing downstage. He turns to look at the paperboy. )

PAPERBOY: Well... goodbye then.

GROSSBOTTOM: Yes. Goodbye.

(Paperboy backs offstage slowly for a few steps. Then turns and runs off.)

(Grossbottom twirls his moustache for a moment. Reads article.)
GROSSBOTTOM: Ah, yes, here it is, page four:
"Citizens are in for an enchanting display of alluring young lady entertainers tonight at the Inaugural performance of Fort Steele's Brand New Great Big Opera house, The Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera House. Count Humphrey Grossbottom, proprietor, has engaged the services of the North West's best and most Darling Dancing Songstresses, The Kaslo Strumpeting Unmentionables. Famous for their performances of such audience pleasing hits as:
The Vivacious and Risque, "The Little Lamb Frolics in the Pasture"; the Libertinish and
Indelicate, "Flutter, little Butterfly, Flutter."; and their ever-popular show stopper, the Ribald
and Bawdy, "Warm are the Cinnamon Rolls at Mrs Plumperson's Bakery".
A delightfully good time is certain to be had by all.

-What's this? Prurient lasciviousness, as the opening night feature in my theatre? This doesn't fit in with my plans at all!
(He dramatically crushes the life out of the newspaper. He steps villainously downstage centre).
I was under the impression that these were sophisticated theatrical artistes, not purveyors of wanton frippery! True theatre consists of wholesome, enriching entertainment, such as recitations from mining logs and agricultural inventory charts, stock market statistics, declensions of irregular Latin verbs, oh, and best of all: slow non-musical waltzes with the dancers wearing large brown burlap smocks, and other such edifying amusements! Not such obscenity as THIS! (He hurls the newspaper to the floor. And begins stomping upon it.) No no no no!

(Dunk returns with a letter).

DUNK: (waving letter about) Mr. Grossbottom, sir! Bad news! The 82 Strumpets have been delayed and may possibly not arrive in time for the show!

GROSSBOTTOM: Quiet Dunk! (He snatches the letter out of Dunk's hand. Reading) What's this? The 82 Strumpets have been delayed and may possibly not arrive in time for the show?
?? This cannot be! What a turn of events. How Horrible. But wait. This is to my advantage! Now my good name won't be associated with frumpery and filth! Yes yes! Excellent. -But Wait once again. Who will go on in their stead? No one! I won't find any replacements at this late hour. I'm ruined. RUINED I tell you! (he begins shaking Dunk by the lapels).

(From offstage we hear Sparky.)

SPARKY: HEIGH HO!

(Grossbottom and Dunk stay in lapel-shaking position as they watch Sparky and the two Strumpets enter. Sparky sits proudly atop his magnificent steed, Lightning.)

SPARKY: Good day, Mr. Grossbottom, sir. Good day to you, too, Mr. Dunk. May I introduce Ms. Chickadee Brightsmith.

GROSSBOTTOM: How do you do.

CHICKADEE: How do you do.

SPARKY: And Ms. Raspberry Bufflehead.

(Grossbottom absolutely charmed by Bufflehead, though still firmly gripping Dunk's lapels.)

GROSSBOTTOM: delighted

RASPBERRY: charmed

SPARKY: These two lovely ladies have had a devil of a time getting to you from Kaslo.

GROSSBOTTOM AND DUNK: Kaslo?

GROSSBOTTOM: Then you must be..

RASPBERRY: That's right, sir. We are the Amazing Kaslo Strumpeting Unmentionables.

CHICKADEE: Well, two of them anyway.

GROSSBOTTOM: I.. I .. don't understand.

DUNK: Neither do I! What happened to the other eighty of you?

GROSSBOTTOM: Quiet Dunk!

DUNK: Yes sir.

GROSSBOTTOM: What happened to the other eighty of you?

SPARKY: Well, sir, that's quite a long story.

(Sparky with lightning begins to slowly back off stage into the wings)

RASPBERRY: It is a long story, Mr Grossbottom, a very long story.

CHICKADEE: That's a fact Mr. Grossbottom, a long and detailed story.

RASPBERRY: We seem to have been Plagued by Misfortune.

CHICKADEE: Yes, it all started the day we began our journey, sir. (Sparky slowly enters sans Lightning.) While fording the narrows at Trickle-pool creek, 20 of our best dancers were irretrievably washed downstream by the collapse of a shoddily constructed beaver dam.

GROSSBOTTOM: How horrible!

RASPBERRY: Oh I know! And then upon gaining the opposite shore, 20 of our more mediocre dancers were suddenly carried off by a herd of wild mules.

GROSSBOTTOM: Goodness!

DUNK: I say!

GROSSBOTTOM: Quiet you!

DUNK: Sorry sir.

CHICKADEE: Then 10 girls got tangled in an alfalfa field.

GROSSBOTTOM: No!

RASPBERRY: Yes! And 10 more became wedged between close growing pine trees,

CHICKADEE: and then the remaining 20 dancers, who weren't very good dancers at all, sank chest deep into the feculent mud-plains of Bolger's Bog.

GROSSBOTTOM AND DUNK: Not Bolger's Bog!

(Grossbottom glares at Dunk.)

RASPBERRY: Well, this left just Chickadee and myself and our two ponies, you see.

CHICKADEE: But they were stricken with the White Terror and bolted out from underneath us in opposite directions.

RASPBERRY: Leaving us quite stranded.

CHICKADEE: We were certain to be delayed,

RASPBERRY: And that's when we wrote you the letter.

CHICKADEE: A postman was passing by.

RASPBERRY: So we gave it to him.

CHICKADEE: We were ever so perplexed and uncertain and quite at our wits' end.

RASPBERRY: And Floating in a Sea of Doubt.

SPARKY: And that's when I found them, Mr Grossbottom, and brought them straight here to you, arriving only moments after the postman who delivered their letter.

GROSSBOTTOM: Well that's Quite a story. But what do we do about this evening's show with only two Dancers?

RASPBERRY: I quite don't know.

CHICKADEE: I have nary a suggestion.

SPARKY: That's a real stumper that's for sure.

(Collective sigh. They all look sadly at one another.)

DUNK: Say, folks. I have a bit of an idea. Aw, no, it'll never work.

RASPBERRY: No no, young man, don't keep mum. Out with it.

CHICKADEE: Yes, yes, do tell, Mr Dunk.

SPARKY: Come come, what were you thinking, old boy?

DUNK: Well, it could be a long shot, but: Mr Grossbottom, m'self, and the Constable here could fill in the empty roles!

CHICKADEE: Why, Mr. Dunk, that's a swell idea, it really is!

RASPBERRY: Certainly, it may be a bit Thrown Together, but I think we could Pull it Off.

SPARKY: Oh, I don't know.

CHICKADEE: You could do it, constable. (lovingly) I could help you with the dance moves, what do you say?

SPARKY: Well, -

RASPBERRY: And you, Mr. Grossbottom, a Handsome, Stalwart Gentleman like yourself, I'll bet you'd be perfect for a show like ours. Would you help us?

GROSSBOTTOM: Help you eh? Yes, ... (he walks downstage of the others for a moment with himself.) I think I could "Help" you! I'll give you all the HELP you can handle, HAHAHAHAHA.

(Everyone else shares an awkward look.)

RASPBERRY: Well, good then.

CHICKADEE: What a marvellous idea Dunk! You may have saved everything!

DUNK: Aw, shucks, Miss. Just trying to help out anyway I can.

SPARKY: Well, I suppose if we are putting this show on tonight, we'd better start rehearsing right away.

RASPBERRY: I couldn't agree more. I think that we should ease you gentlemen into it by starting with the most difficult number of all, The Gumboot Dance. (She pulls out 5 sets of Gumboots.)

SPARKY, GROSSBOTTOM, AND DUNK: The Gumboot Dance?

SPARKY: Well, sure!

DUNK: I'm game!

GROSSBOTTOM: Let's give it a shot boys, mmm? HAHA.

CHICKADEE: (Passing out the gumboots) Here are your boots. Now just try and follow along with us.

RASPBERRY: It's really not too difficult!

THE GUMBOOT DANCE
(the gumboot dance. Men dance it perfectly. So do women.)


RASPBERRY: You gentlemen were Absolutely Superb! Huzzah!

CHICKADEE: Ms Bufflehead is right, just wonderful!

GROSSBOTTOM: Well, thank you ladies. Hee hee.

DUNK: I reckon it wasn't so bad.

SPARKY: It was even rather enjoyable!

CHICKADEE: Why, with a group of swell dancers like you three, the show will be a hit!

DUNK: Oh, it sure will.

RASPBERRY: This Show will be Exquisite!

CHICKADEE: With a bit of pluck, courage, and determination, we'll put on the best show Fort Steele has ever seen.

SPARKY: No doubt about that, Ms Brightsmith, why, nothing could possibly go wrong.

(A very large sandbag falls from above and lands squarely upon Sparky's head, knocking him out cold.)

RASPBERRY: Oh Goodness!
(Everyone crowds around Sparky)

DUNK: Everyone out of the way! Sit him up, ladies. (He takes off his own gumboot. Waves it under Sparky's nose.)

(Sparky wakes up.)

SPARKY: hmm?

(Dunk reaches with just his arms off stage and hauls sandbag hand over hand back up to ceiling.)

CHICKADEE: (Visibly very concerned.) Oh, my dear dear constable. You seem to have been hit by a sandbag.

DUNK: (As he finishes hauling sandbag up.) Not just any old sandbag. 'Twas a Haunted Sandbag, dropped by The Ghost of the Hoodwinked Swede.

EVERYONE: The Ghost of the Hoodwinked Swede!

DUNK: (Eerie music accompanies or underscores the following.) That's right. Exactly 30 years ago today, along with 7 months, 3 weeks and a couple of days, give or take, a lone Swedish Prospector by the name of Knud Robert Jorgensen hit paydirt on his claim up by the Wildhorse Creek. Legend has it that old Jorgensen was verily hand-plucking out of the creek-bed great heaping armloads of Gold Nuggets the size and shape of St Bernard Puppies. He was rich beyond his wildest dreams.
But don't you know, his luck was short lived, because out of the bush suddenly tumbled a pair of queerly dressed vaudevillians. One, short and round, the other, tall, and skinny as a willow-switch.
Well, these two shysters outright dazzled poor Jorgensen with their lightning banter, their intricate hat-switching routine, and their exploding cigars. And before you know it, they had run off with his entire fortune.
It was then and there that Jorgensen swore a mighty oath: that he would mar any touring theatrical endeavour attempted anywhere from a 1/2 mile south of Wasa to three miles due east of Wardner. And wouldn't you know it, Fort Steele sits square in the centre of that Cursed Oval.

EVERYONE: (rhubarbs: The Cursed Oval, my goodness, o dear, the Cursed Oval.)

RASPBERRY: Are you saying, Mr Dunk, sir, That this Theatre Show will be Haunted by some sort of Scandinavian Phantom?

DUNK: I'm sorry to say I am, Ms Bufflehead. The Ghost of The Hoodwinked Swede not only drops haunted sandbags on his victims' heads, he is known for further Malicious Means of Causing Mischief. And these further means are three in number. One: he paralyses performers with a giant haunted syringe; two, he puts haunted itching-powder in costumes; and Three, sometimes, if he is really angry, he actually attacks actors with a giant haunted frying pan.

EVERYONE: (rhubarbing. How horrid! I'm very frightened!)

SPARKY: Now just one darned tooting moment. You people don't really believe in Ghosts do you? There's no ghost, there's no Curse of the Hoodwinked Swede, and nothing is going to get in the way of the success of this show.

CHICKADEE: But Sparky, you mean to say that you're not afraid?

SPARKY: (affecting a manly posture.) Not at all, my little Chickadee. You know what I say to this Swedish Spook? AppleSauce! That's what I say. APPLESAUCE!

(A Second Sandbag plummets from the ceiling and lands squarely upon his head, knocking him out cold. Exclamations all round.)

DUNK: Sit him up again, Ladies. (He removes his other boot and waves it under Sparky's face.)

(Sparky sits up.)

SPARKY: Hmm.

EVERYONE: (Ad libbing: Oh it's the Curse, The Curse, We're doomed! Cancel the show! etc.)

(Dunk hauls sandbag up again.)

SPARKY: Now pull yourselves together everyone. Calm down now, you hear? (They do.) I'm alright, it's just a little bump. There is no curse! (He braces himself.)

(everyone looks up towards the fly gallery fearfully, and slowly stepping away from Sparky.)

SPARKY: You see? There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just an everyday falling sandbag.- a common backstage mishap for any theatre. Why I've never heard of a play being produced that didn't have at least a few people being struck by falling sandbags, pig-irons, or other functional stage-weights. Nobody cancels those shows. And neither will we.

CHICKADEE: The constable is right. The show must go on! Let's put on the best show Fort Steele has ever seen!

EVERYONE: Hooray!

GROSSBOTTOM: We'll see... We'll see...

RASPBERRY: Well then there's no time to lose. Come, let's begin preparations.

(All leave except Sparky and Chickadee.)

CHICKADEE: Oh Constable, you were so brave and inspiring

SPARKY: Well, Chickadee, I wouldn't let anything get in the way of your Big Opening.

CHICKADEE: Are you sure that the Curse of the Hoodwinked Swede won't ruin the show?

SPARKY: Trust me, Ms Brightsmith. Tonight will be a night this town will never forget.

CHICKADEE: Oh, I hope you're right.

(They exit arm in arm. Grossbottom and Bufflehead enter on the opposite side of the stage from which Sparky and Chickadee exited.)

RASPBERRY: Oh, Mr. Grossbottom, you were so brave and inspiring.

GROSSBOTTOM: Well, Raspberry, I wouldn't let anything get in the way of the Big Opening. Hm HMM!

RASPBERRY: Are you quite sure, Humphrey, that the Hex of the Hoodwinked Swede won't sabotage our Spectacle?

GROSSBOTTOM: Trust me, Ms. Bufflehead, Tonight will be a night this town will never forget. ha ha. ha ha haa. AAA HA HA HA HAAAA.

RASPBERRY: Oh, I do hope you're right!

GROSSBOTTOM: HAAA HAA AHAHHAHAAHAAHA!

(They exit together arm in arm. Grossbottom is still laughing.)

(Dunk enters. From the same side that they entered from.)

(He looks around as if there should be someone to talk to. There isn't. He exits.)

(A very brief two bars of transition music. Sitcom-like.)

(Sparky enters as narrator.)

SPARKY: Well, folks, the rehearsals went extremely well, nothing went awry at all. Aside from a couple more sand-bags landing on my head. So let's move along to the show itself.
What a night.
Let me tell you: the theatre was just packed with the finest citizens from all over the North West. They were sure ready for a great Show, and boy howdy did we give it to 'em.

(A sandbag falls from the ceiling and hits Sparky on the head knocking him out cold.)

(The curtains close in front of him. Count Grossbottom immediately steps out from between them to Centre Stage. His entrance is accompanied by Introductory-type fanfare on the piano.)

GROSSBOTTOM: Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen. And welcome to the Grand Opening Gala of the Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera House. HA HA HAA. I am your humble yet proud proprietor and Master of Ceremonies, Count Humphrey Hindenberg Grossbottom.
It is a really fine evening tonight. It makes me feel so fine to see all you fine citizens out there. The finest and most respected members of our fine community. I don't remember an evening where I felt this fine. And boy are you in for a really fine show. So let's get on with it, shall we? HA HAA.
Maestro!!

(Up-tempo music begins a vamping cycle.)

Curtains!!

(Curtains open to reveal Decorative Downstage Rolldrop. As curtains are opening, Grossbottom says:)

And here are the Players!

(Rest of cast is revealed. Girls are holding a sort of tableau photograph-type pose with Dunk and Sparky)

(Following is spoken under piano vamping.)

GROSSBOTTOM: Hello, players!

EVERYONE: Hello Mr. Grossbottom!

GROSSBOTTOM: Say, doesn't it look like a fine crowd out there, Sparky?

SPARKY: I'll say it does, Mr. Grossbottom. (He breaks out of tableau to join Grossbottom.) It sure is a fine looking bunch. What do you know, look who's in the front row?

(Sparky heads down into the audience.)

GROSSBOTTOM: Why it's the Famous Kootenay Cattle Baron, Mr. Orson J. Winchester.

SPARKY: Looking fine Mr Winchester! (Sparky shakes his hand vigorously, smiling at the audience and pointing at the guy.)

GROSSBOTTOM: And look whose in the very same row, Sparky. It's the famous Miss Varty, of the Fernie Artistic Millinery Establishment, B.C.'s Home of Fashion.

SPARKY: With its Artistic Display of all the Newest Styles in New York, Paris, and London Millinery Fancies. Will you stand up and wave to the crowd, Miss Varty? Hooray!

GROSSBOTTOM: Do my eyes deceive me, Sparky or is that not J.J Whippletree himself there on the aisle.

SPARKY: You mean the J.J Whippletree, heir to the Whippletree Salted-Candy fortune? My Goodness! (Sparky is clapping furiously, so is the rest of the cast. ) Let's hear it for him folks!
(Standing him up) It is my distinct pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir. (Leading him to the stage) I'm sure the rest of the cast would be as honoured as I am if you were to shake their hands too.

EVERYONE: (Ad libs appropriate encouragement and enthusiasm.)

(Mr. Whippletree is now onstage with cast. Everyone shakes his hand)

SPARKY: Well, it sure is great to have you up here on the Stage of Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera House, because as everyone knows, the Whippletrees are just as famous for their love of wit and rhyme as they are for their salty confections.

(everyone claps.)

DUNK: Say, Mr. Whippletree, I'm mighty Honoured to have you help me out with my big song. Here's how it'll go:
I'll sing the first line to its completion, and then I'll sing most of the second line.
All you have to do is supply the rhyming word at the end of the second line.
And we carry on from there. Sound easy? It is.
And it goes a little something like this:

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SONG
(Song goes on as Dunk describes. And cast repeats the second line of each couplet after Mr. Whippletree gives the rhyming word. The rhyming words are insanely easy. But near the end become hard and then impossible. Mr. Whippletree is led back to his seat in dire humiliation.)

(Raspberry leads Whippletree back to his seat as she says the following.)

RASPBERRY: Oh, sir, you were simply wonderful. Ladies and Gentlemen please join me in showing our appreciation for our Esteemed Guest, Rhymester, and purveyor of Savoury, thirst inducing candied treats: Mr. Julius Jebediah Whippletree. (She claps enthusiastically.)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present the Stage Debut of a Lovely Young Lady by the name of Ms. Chickadee Brightsmith. Singing the reknowned uptempo ballad "My Athletic Collegiate Beau."
(She claps.)

(Stage mechanics adjust to reveal big green College Sporting field.)
MY ATHLETIC COLLEGIATE BEAU

(Ms. Brightsmith begins singing about her beau. Maybe Sparky is already onstage with her maybe not. Upstaging them or her is the GHOST. With a giant SYRINGE. He places it, pointy side up, upon a sporty little bench.
She sings about her boyfriend's physical prowess on the gridiron, the diamond, and the field and sandpit. Sparky has on a big woollen Fort Steele University sweater, football knickers, and Leather Helmet. His sweater is emblazoned with the letters F U.
They move about the stage and hold hands and do a little dancing together, as she sings to him.
As the song goes on, the two have some close calls, and both almost sit on the needle. Finally, Sparky sits upon it. He tries not to let Chickadee see what has happened. He starts losing control of his limbs, they are becoming floppy and useless. As he is discovering this, Chickadee is singing facing away from him and she doesn't notice. A big dance break is coming up, and Sparky will be required to demonstrate his athletic agility. He flags down Dunk who is just off-stage, and has him come on and manipulate is body like a big puppet to complete the sporting moves. As if they don't have enough to deal with at this point, on top of everything, the sandbag ends up hitting Sparky on the head again. But all goes well in the end and they finish the number.
-There is a possibility that Sparky joins Brightsmith in the singing of some chorus lines, and that the sitting upon the needle happens just before one of these choruses so that Sparky's cry of pain turns into singing.
-Flagging down an offstage Dunk, Sparky says (while Chickadee is singing, so she doesn't
notice:
SPARKY: Dunk!! (Dunk's head appears from a wing) I've sat upon the haunted syringe! I'm
losing control of my limbs! Help, for the love of tar, Help!

When they bow at the end of the song, Dunk loses control of Sparky at the lowest point of the bow and Sparky hits the floor. Dunk runs off frightened. Curtains close in front of them.

COUNTRY LOVE SONG: "MY DARLING'S LOVE WARMS ME LIKE MY FAVOURITE ORANGE SHAWL."
(Intro music to SHAWL song begins. Raspberry begins singing in front of the curtain. Curtain opens to reveal the Autumn set. Or forest set. Or foreign Country set. Whatever. There is a Park Bench with an Orange Shawl draped across its back. As Raspberry sings downstage, the Phantom appears with an oversized talc container with the words "Itching Powder" clearly written upon it. He dumps generous amounts of the powder all over the shawl. Then quickly exits.
At this point in the song, Raspberry calls out for her lover. Grossbottom appears looking somewhat flustered and still adjusting his costume.
Grossbottom joins Bufflehead and they start off singing at the same tempo.
Beautiful love ballad. At some point, Grossbottom drapes the shawl across her shoulders to warm her. -he is wearing gloves. Slowly she gets itchier and itchier and her part of the song speeds up radically. She is singing double time now, and he still sings normal time. She is trying to resist the urge to scratch frantically, and only does so when he looks away. She keeps attempting to take the shawl off. But he keeps lovingly putting it back on her.
At end of song, she tears shawl off and hurls it to the floor for the bow. They bow deeply and curtains close in front of them.)

(Dunk, Sparky, and Chickadee enter. Sparky and Dunk are wearing backstage-blacks or something signifying that they are stage crew for the moment. Chickadee is in the costume that she will be wearing for the next number, -a pretty, flower-picking dress. This next little scene is meant to be a backstage moment. The three are placing flowers downstage near the footlights for the next setting.)

CHICKADEE: Oh, Constable, the curse is coming true!

DUNK: Yes, Constable, the show is being ruined!

CHICKADEE: Let's stop it before it's too late!

SPARKY: But the show's almost over, we've got to push through. I won't let anything else go wrong. Trust me.

CHICKADEE: Oh, the Constable's right. We can get through it. There's only one song left.

(They finish placing the flowers near the foot lights as the Piano intro for next song starts.)

SPARKY: Quick, the curtain is about to open. Let's go.

(Dunk and Sparky exit opposite wings. Chickadee exits through the centre of the curtains just before they open. They open onto new setting and the two girls.)

HOW I LOVE TO PICK MY PRETTY PRETTY FLOWERS

Bufflehead and Brightsmith sing about picking flowers as they pick flowers.
Ghost enters with haunted frying pan. Every time he swings it at either of the girls, they bend down to pick a flower and he misses. This ensues until the end of the song when there are no flowers left. Uh-oh. The ghost winds up to deliver a mighty blow that will blast our ladies into oblivion, but at the apex of his swing, the song ends very abruptly, and they bow , ducking the frying pan. The follow-through of the swing causes the ghost to fall over comedically. The ladies suddenly notice him and call for help.
Heigh ho.
Sparky to the rescue.

SLOW-MO FIGHT.

Sparky defeats ghost as ladies mug.

Sparky utilizes ghost's own haunting tactics to defeat the ghost. Frying pan, itching powder, syringe, and finally, sandbag.

SPARKY: Well, ladies, everything's under control now. I've caught your Ghost. And it turns it out it isn't a ghost at all, but a person wearing a bedsheet.

RASPBERRY: Oh, but why constable? Why would Anyone do such a thing? To the peril of all of us, and all the most dignified citizenry of Fort Steele.

CHICKADEE: And who, constable? Who would do such a thing? To the peril of all of us, and all the most dignified citizenry of Fort Steele.

SPARKY: Isn't it obvious? Well, I suppose it isn't. Me being a trained officer of the Royal Northwest Mounted Police whose deductive reasoning in the field of criminology has been honed to a razor sharp razor. And you two being simply lay-ladies. I'll tell you who it is.
My keen eye has noticed that one among our company has all the classic ear-markings of the Traditional Melodramatic Villain: the shifting eyes, the stooped posture, the dour countenance, the wild maniacal laugh always following the delivery of innocent statements imparting them with secret meaning. This same person who everyone knows is dead-set against light-hearted theatre. I tell you, this ghost is one person and one person only. And that person is none other than Count Humphrey Grossbottom!

(Grossbottom appears)

GROSSBOTTOM: Yes? you called?

EVERYONE ELSE: Count Humphrey Grossbottom!

GROSSBOTTOM: I was just backstage sorting out opening night presents for all of you when I heard my name. (seeing the collapsed body) Smouldering Sulphur! What has happened here?

SPARKY: But if you're not the ghost... then who's under that sheet?!

RASPBERRY: It's very simple really: Who was the one who told us all about the Curse of the Hoodwinked Swede in the first place?
Whose was the only song that wasn't plagued by phantasmagorical mishaps?
And who, as Janitor, has access to every Nook and Cranny of this Brand New Great Big Opera House. Only one person's name could have been the answer to these three questions. And that name is

(Uncovers Ghost.)

EVERYONE: Mr. J. R. Dunk.

DUNK: That's right, it was me. I made up that bogus story about the Curse of the Hoodwinked Swede and I sabotaged the entire production right from the moment the Strumpets left Kaslo.

CHICKADEE: But how, Mr. Dunk, How did you do it.

DUNK: It was a brilliant plan. After disguising myself as a rabid badger, I infected your ponies with the white terror, I watered and flooded bolger's bog, I over-nourished the alfalfa fields to a point of hazardous tangly-ness; I unleashed the herd of wild mules; and I removed key load-bearing twigs from the trickle-pool creek beaver dam.

RASPBERRY: Oh, you fiend! What a ghastly plan!

DUNK: And that isn't the half of it. I also moonlighted as Janitor to The Dentist and to The Apothecary, giving me access to surgical-grade itching powder, industrial strength paralysis potion, and Huge Sadistic Dentistry Needles. Not to mention, a great big frying pan.

SPARKY: But why, Dunk? Why did you do it?

DUNK: Well, sure. I might as well tell you all. It's like this: I have always wanted to be a big theatre manager and star of my own shows. I thought that if I ruined this one, I could bankrupt Grossbottom and get him to sell the theatre to me for a slap and a whistle.
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling Strumpets and that mangy Mountie.

GROSSBOTTOM: Well, you've succeeded in one thing, Dunk: Ruining me. On this, my Big Opening Night. With all of Fort Steele here to witness.

(A.B. Grace, Owner/Editor of The Prospector shows up from out of nowhere. He is wearing sleeve-garters and a press-hat.)

A.B.GRACE: Say, folks. That show was really swell!

GROSSBOTTOM: Hello there, Mr. A.B. Grace, Owner/Editor of The Prospector Newspaper.

A.B.GRACE: A fine opening, Mr. Grossbottom! You should hear what the people are saying. "The Best Comic Ghost Antics ever to grace any stage west of The Rockies." (he is double-handedly shaking Grossbottom's hand.)
You folks have just sealed, stamped, and solidified the success and prosperity of The Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera House and Fort Steele itself, for years to come. I'd love to stay up and celebrate with you over a few glasses of Whippletree Salted Seltzer, but I have to get up early tomorrow and put this to press. Congratulations everyone.
(runs off.)

RASPBERRY: How Absolutely Wonderful!

CHICKADEE: Oh, what a delicious turn of fate!

SPARKY: Well, things couldn't have turned out better.

GROSSBOTTOM: Listen everyone. I have a bold idea. Why don't you ladies stay here as the resident Leading Ladies of the Brand New Great Big Fort Steele Opera House.

CHICKADEE AND RASPBERRY: (Ad Lib: Yes, oh yes! Absolutely! Yes we will! etc.)

GROSSBOTTOM: And you, Dunk my boy, I don't mind that you tried to bankrupt me, it all ended up being for the best! HA HA HA. Why don't you join me as Co-Manager of the Theatre. And from now on we'll split the profits 50/50 and we'll put on nothing but Comedic Ghost Musical Mystery Extravaganzas. HA HA HAAA!

DUNK: Really Mr. Grossbottom?

GROSSBOTTOM: Yes! You know Dunk, there was a time -this morning in fact- (he walks downstage) when I thoroughly disapproved of saucy gay theatre. But being involved in this show tonight has changed my opinion. I must admit that I found all that song and dance rather liberating. And now hearing what the people are saying about it, coupled with the anticipated increase in box office revenue Moo hoo ha ha haw, I am a changed man, as it were. Let there be singing and dancing forever more in Fort Steele. HA HA Haaa.

RASPBERRY: Oh, Humphrey, I knew you were a generous, Kind-Hearted Song and Dance Man from the moment I laid eyes on you. It is my opinion that you are Simply Extraordinary.

GROSSBOTTOM: Well, I hope you know, that I feel just the same about you, my darling Raspberry. Hee hee.

(They hold hands and look into each other's eyes.)

CHICKADEE: (approaches sparky.) Constable, I hope that you can find time in your busy Mountie's schedule to occasionally guest star in our productions as my Leading Man.

SPARKY: Why Ms. Brightsmith, I would love to be your Leading Man. If you teach me the dance-steps, I'll dance them.

(They hold hands and look into each other's eyes.)

DUNK: (left by himself looking slightly awkward. He tests out his limbs and finds that he can move them again. He stands up slightly unsteadily.) I have an idea, everyone: why don't we all seal this deal with a song!

GROSSBOTTOM: That's a great idea, Dunk.

EVERYONE: (ad lib: It sure is, Swell, Yes, Let's, Terrific, etc.)

CLOSING NUMBER