The Fort Steele Follies
or
The Mystery Pirate Orphan or Fort Steele in Flames
A Rollicking Comedy with Songs!

by Mike Rinaldi and TJ Dawe
© 2000

Scene 1
The Pirate Song - Opening Number
Scene 2
The Fatal Doughnut - Song #2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
The Slow Motion Song - Song #3
Scene 6
Scene 7

Prelude

Front of House Manager enters.

FOH: Ladies and Gentleman. Hello. I'm the Front of House Manager. Welcome to the Fort Steele Follies. Before we may begin, I am required to issue the following warning on behalf of the Royal Northwest Vaudeville Society.

(pulls paper and reading glasses out of right pocket. puts on glasses. Reads.)

The following activities are forbidden in this theatre during a vaudeville performance:
running around,
talking,
eating,
flash or video photography,
badminton, and
shaving.
If any audience member is caught indulging in any one or more of the aforementioned, he or she will be shot.

(puts glasses and paper back in right pocket. Pulls out another piece of paper, short and wide, and another pair of glasses from left pocket. puts them on. Reads.)

The cast will be more than happy to pose for pictures outside the theatre immediately following the production.

(Puts glasses and paper away. pulls out another piece of paper which is half as wide, puts on a monocle. Reads.)

Theatre Patrons: This Production deals with absurd subject matter and some scenes which use slapstick and cheap gags. This production is not recommended for intelligent viewers.

(puts paper and glasses away)

Having said all that, we now ask that you sit back in your seats and allow yourselves to be escorted gently back to the dusty, windblown streets of our fair Fort Steele in the year 1900.

And who better to chauffeur such a journey than our very own musical director, ladies and gentlemen, please lend a warm hand to the one, the only, the backbone, the pulse, the living, throbbing life giving musical force behind the Fort Steele Follies, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you -- Mr. Peter Timothy Brown!

(FOH exits as Pete enters.)
(Pete begins working his magic.)

Scene The First (top)

(Curtain opens revealing Deck of Pirate Ship. There is a tremendous battle taking place. Four cast-members in all out brawl. Clanging steel, dramatic music and piratey hollering.This is fight #1.)
(CAPTAIN STUMP(Sparky) executes some sort of fancy move and disarms his opponent.)

CAPTAIN STUMP: Alright, you wayward minnows! That's enough funnin' around this mornin'. Every one back to work! Tighten up that rigger, Howard! Hoist the fore-gorb, hanky! Put a cap on that container afore she spoils, smugg! (crew responds with pirate-speak.)

HOWARD/VINYERD: aye, cappy.

HANKY/LOLA: To be sure, captain

SMUGG/KENNETH: aye aye and good-bye!

CAPTAIN STUMP: By Jim, where be that Scutter. He's been gone for a score, that grimy bog! I swear.
(suddenly)

(SCUTTER(Fatty) climbs over the railing on to the deck. He has a fish in his mouth. Falls to the floor and spits out the fish. coughs and sputters.)

SCUTTER: Here I be Cap'n Stump!

CAPTAIN STUMP: Well? did you finds the Booty?

(pulls a treasure chest up on to the deck.)

SCUTTER: oh, Captain Stump, belikes, aye, and marry! These be waters so rich that the fishes has pierced ears, ha ha!

(crew rejoices)

CAPTAIN STUMP: I knowed it, to be sure! Come, my pretty ones, hawl up the handies and toss your charlies, it's time we sailed home!

(music starts)

The Pirate Song - Opening # (top)

(they sing)

Well first we swab the gul-yerds,
and then we yank the striggards,
and fasten up the mongoes
in a triple chivaree!

Then we hoist the bunion
with a silver pickled onion
and we knock down all the gorbies
with a Swedish double D!!

Chorus:
That's a pirate's life I tell ya,
yo ho ho and fie de dee,
with a parrot on my shoulder
I'm a jolly pirate, me.

And when a gale comes blowin,
we get the gubbies goin'
and rig up all the robbies
on the Kyber Pokaroo.

And when the gale comes blowin' out,
we stick the wino on the spout,
and Jimmy Ray the scubbers
till our ears is turnin' blue!

Chorus #2
Cuz I'm a pirate, yes I am
Yo hee hee and mark my word,
I'm a sailor with a wooden leg'
an ear-ring and a bird!

And when we spots a gerdy,
we sail towards its lerdy
and throw across our handies,
to board that thing right quick.

And leap aboard we do,
and take their motley-hoo,
and blow the yompers broadside,
and they sink just like a brick.

Chorus #3
Arr! Pirate, that's my name,
yo hee hee and do die dum,
If you ain't one that's a shame,
boggle dee bung and fee fie fum.

(slows down - reflective)
And last we furls the sweeties
and stows away the meaties,
and packs up all the joiler,
and argues with the maid.

and climb into the guggo,
and lie on our stubbuboes,
and close our eyes and lie there,
till the waking goes away,

(fast and loud again)
but ...we ... dream ...
That we're raging pirates, arr!
Fum di fie and fiddle de foe!
Pirates that is what we are,
Ya hoo and yo ho ho!

Pirates that is what we are,
ya hoo and yo ho ho!

Pirates that is what we are,
Ya hoo and yo ho ho!

CAPTAIN STUMP: Well, you dance like three dollar cheese, ye do, but sing like a swarm o'swallows-- the sweetest voices this side of Sausage Bay!

HOWARD: Thankee sir

HANKY: kindly wordins, them be, to be sure.

SMUGG: lovely, just lovely.

SCUTTER: nice of you to say, Captain Stump.

CAPTAIN STUMP: Oh. except for you, Scutter, I think you flattened the augmented fifth in the third measure as per usual haha.

(the mates all share a laugh, except Scutter)

SCUTTER: all right. I'll stand no more o' your bilge, you musty chaff! taste my steel!

(attacks. sword fight #2.Scutter and Stump."Belikes" and "Har har" and "ach, have at ye, ye clam!". )

CAPTAIN STUMP: (fighting) I'll eat ye for brunch ye buttery scone.

SCUTTER: You can rot, you pomp.

STUMP: By the foam on my mead,
I'll cuts ya till ya bleed.
And by the brine on the sea,
I'll make fish bait out o' thee.

(Captain Stump does a fancy twirl with the sword and falls over. Scutter and crew watch and wait.)

STUMP/SPARKY: Sorry! are you hurt? let me try that again!

(up on his feet)
I'll make fish bait out o' thee!

(does fancy move again and falls over again.)

Sorry! Drat! Is everyone alright? I just need to practice that bit some more, do you mind? (to Howard) Miz Vinyerd, do you mind if I run this part a bit more? I'm worried about hurting Fatty.

SCUTTER/FATTY: Oh, I'll be fine, Spark! As long as I don't have to do that doughnut dance, I've got no problems.

VINYERD: Fatty, no one is going to make you eat a doughnut, Sparky will get his move right, won't you, Sparky.

(Sparky tries it one more time and falls down again injuring Fatty.)

SCUTTER/FATTY: Yargh!

SPARKY: Oh sorry, Fatty.

FATTY: That's alright Spark. It's just a little blood. I'll go get a towel.

(Fatty heads offstage.)

SPARKY: Sorry everyone.

HOWARD/MIZ VINYERD: It's all right, Constable. We still have 3 days before the show goes up.

(she smiles at Sparky as she helps him up)

(to everybody)

Great work, everyone, the show's going to be great. Except I think that Sparky should get a different bird, that hummingbird just doesn't read.

(Professor is leaving the piano and heading off-stage.)

Professor, where are you going?

PROFESSOR: Union break.

VINYERD: Oh right. Lola, Kenneth, do you have any notes?

KEN/SMUGG: I think that there is a bit too much nautical metaphor in the pirate song, but everything else is just stupendous.

LOLA/HANKY: I agree with Kenneth; however, I think that there is a bit too much nautical metaphor in the Pirate Song, but really, everything else is horrific!

MIZ VINYERD: Well, yes, I tend to agree about the song. I'll go talk to the professor about it.
Let's all take a ten minute break. Sparky, maybe you could take this opportunity to work on your fight choreography.

(Kenneth and Lola smile at Miz Vinyerd. They then share a glance and head off stage.)
(Vinyerd also heads off stage, Sparky follows)

SPARKY: (on his way out) I promise I'll get it, I'm just not used to this hat.

(Fatty comes downstage and addresses audience. Curtain closes behind him.)

FATTY: Hi. My name's Simon Wingnaught, but everyone calls me Fatty. I'm the narrator.
I'll bet you folks are wondering what the heck a bunch of Pirates are doing in the East Kootenays. Well, you guessed it, it's the rehearsal for the Fort Steele Community Play. Captain Stump and the Pirates of Gorb. or The Treasure of Pig Island. a Nautical Melodrama, with Songs.
Fort Steele's Citizens put on a play every year, but this one, in the summer of the year 1900, was a very special one: not only was it a fundraiser for the Royal North West Mounted Police Orphan Youth Corps, it was also the nucleus of a swirling spiral of coincidences that contributed to the saving of Fort Steele from flaming ruin. It also turned me into a town hero in the last possible way I would have ever suspected.
But to tell you the whole story, I'm going to have to back up to the very beginning.

Scene the Seconde(top)

(getting his banjo)

And to get to the beginning, we're going to have to go all the way back to my youth.

(the professor enters)

And the professor and I happen to know a nice little song that recounts my own personal history.

(begins playing banjo)

pretty isn't it?

(playing)

why don't you join in Professor?

PROFESSOR: Don't mind if I do, Fatty.

The Fatal Doughnut - Song #2 (top)

(sings. story acted out in tableaux by other cast members)

FATTY: When I was just a young lad, I had a special skill
I could shoot a sling shot, I could shoot to kill,
But I didn't want to hurt things, I wouldn't hurt a fly
I never aimed at living creatures, cause I'm a decent guy.

Because my aim was perfect, I wanted to compete
so I took my little slingshot to the Kootenay Sling Shot Meet.
I won all of the medals, I won the sling shot crown
I beat all of the other kids, I beat them all hands down.

So I travelled to the city to become a sling shot pro
I promised I would come back and bring home lots of dough,
My mom and dad were very sad, as I went out on my way,
then my dad said, "Wait. I have something to say.

"when you're living in the city, there are things for you to mind,
you're going to have to watch your back, and read all of the signs,
people try and sell you things in their fancy city shops,
but these things are evil, and you'll become addicted!"

I didn't understand my dad, it seemed such queer advice,
he'd even strayed from the rhyme scheme he'd been keeping up so nice.
(spoken) the next thing I knew, I was in the city, overwhelmed and alone and thinking of home,
-- and, what my dear old pa had said.
I walked into a doughnut shop, it seemed harmless enough to me.
so I took a taste and right there, - post haste- began my donut dependancy

I couldn't stop at one donut, I couldn't stop at four,
I finished all the donuts that were in the store, and then I looked for more!
I went to all the donut shops, my mind in a donut haze
stumbling in a donut stupor, the binge went on for days

soon I had no money left, I'd spent it all away,
I'd racked up a donut debt that I couldn't afford to pay,
I tried to sell my hat and shoes, but they weren't worth a lot,
the only thing that I could have sold was my trusty old sling shot.

(spoken) This is the part of the story that I am sad and ashamed to tell, folks.I was suddenly forced to make a choice. A choice between good and evil. I hope you understand that I was not myself. I was a desperate man. gripped by this fever, this donut-madness.

I didn't sell my sling shot, to pay my donut debt,
I began to use my sling-shot in ways I now regret:
I used it as a weapon, to point at other men,
(dumb show acts out Fatty shooting a mans hat off, and man hands over his bill-fold.)
so that i could steal from them to feed my donut yen,

I stole and robbed and robbed and stole, my head was in a fog,
I stole from men, I stole from kids, and once I robbed a dog.
I held him up at sling - point and took from him his collar,
I sold it at the pawn shop for less than one dollar.

It was that specific event when even I, myself, could see,
that I had made my final descent to the deepest depths of donut- depravity.
The very next day, I changed my life, and turned it right around,
I swore off donuts and sling shooting and went back to my home town.

Now folks, my hardship didn't end here, as you can probably tell.
You can't just change you're evil ways, you must pay for them as well.
My ma and pa were furious when I told my terrible tale,
they didn't want me home with them, they wanted me in jail.

My pa said,
"Get the heck out of here and don't come back, mister!"
They wouldn't even let me say goodbye to my little baby sister.
(ma and pa put baby in drawer absent-mindedly and then hug each other as Fatty leaves)
I walked away and didn't turn back, my soul was dark and dry,
I felt so sad that I could't talk, I couldn't even cry.

PROFESSOR: That's so sad!

FATTY: (Spoken) Yup, I was sad, folks. So sad that I checked myself into jail.

(prison scene is revealed.)

I figured it was the only way to pay my debt to society. How long will I stay here? I don't know yet. As long as it takes for the guilt to wear off. I've been in this jail cell for 20 years now, and it's still showing no signs of letting up.

I know this tale was pretty long, but I've one more thing to say,
I developed a physical manifestation of the guilt that plagues me to this day:
when I see a sling shot, I sneeze and get an itchy rash,
I don't know what would happen if I had a doughnut, I haven't had one in twenty years.

Scene the third (top)

That's right, folks. I know the song sort of peters out at the end there; it also doesn't follow the meter and goes in and out of tempo, but it's all true.

(takes banjo off and puts it aside)

Especially the part about my affliction. The doctors call it the Flin Flon Bundle Foot - wait a minute, that was something else. Anyway, My Police Officer friend, Constable Sparky, has taken it upon himself to help cure me of this strange affliction. Well, the sling shot part anyway. He is convinced that if I overcome my fear of the sling-shot and use it to help the town, I will finally be able to pay my debt to society and get out of jail. The only problem is that he doesn't know how I can help the town... with my sling shot... -once I am mentally able to use it, that is.

(Sparky bounds through the door)

SPARKY: Fatty! I just thought of a way that you can help the town ... with your sling shot ...- once you are mentally able to use it, that is.

FATTY
That's great news, Constable Sparky.
What is it?

SPARKY
You can teach your skills to the Royal North West Mounted Police Orphan Youth Corp. These plucky young chaps will have to be well skilled in all the Law Enforcement Techniques, including hand to hand combat, equitation(horse-back riding), table etiquette, and sharp-shooting.

FATTY
Why, Sparky old man, you're right. -To learn the art of Sling-Shooting now will prepare the boys and girls for the safe and responsible use of Firearms when they are older and training to be real officers of the law.

SPARKY
Exactly, my friend.

FATTY
You're brilliant, constable, you really are.
(They clamp their meaty palms together in a manly handshake. Triumphant flourish on the piano)

SPARKY
oh, well I've always been somewhat bright, yes, but thank you.

FATTY
And I'll be able to leave this jail with a clear conscience.

SPARKY
Well, I'm not actually holding you here, -you can leave any time you like.

FATTY
But I cannot leave until I've won my honour back.

SPARKY
Fair enough, but we're not in the clear yet, young Fatty,
We still have a lot of work ahead of us to put this plan into action. For one thing, Miz Vinyerd (piano love sound) and I have yet to make the RNWMP Youth Corp a reality, and B, you haven't completed your rehabilitation.
As Trapper Trevor told me, "One shan't tally his total 'till the turquoise turkey takes the torpid tributary."

FATTY
Wise words were never spoken.

SPARKY
So, on that note, it's time to put you through your daily rigours.

FATTY
Right. I suppose so.
(Fatty starts scratching his neck.
Sparky looks at him. Fatty stops scratching)

SPARKY
I haven't taken out the sling shot yet.

FATTY
I know I know. I'm just excited.
Let's start again.

SPARKY
I'm going to begin now.
(-Fatty looks strained.
-Sparky reaches into his drawer)

I am now reaching into the sling-shot drawer.
(a bead of sweat rolls down Fatty's nose.
he sniffles once.)

I am now taking the sling-shot out of the drawer.
(he does, and at first sight of the sling-shot, Fatty begins sneezing repeatedly and scratching his neck and chest.)
Alright! I'm putting the sling-shot away now.
(Fatty's fit subsides.
Sparky waits a moment for him to calm down.)

How are you?
(Fatty sneezes. He is crying.)

SPARKY
Gezundheit.

FATTY
Thank you. (sniff) I'm alright now.

SPARKY
Well. that was a tremendous improvement over yesterday.

FATTY
It really was, wasn't it. (he is still crying)

SPARKY
Yes.
Miz Vinyerd(musical love sound) will be very pleased to hear of your progress when she arrives.

FATTY
(stops crying)
Miz Vinyerd is coming here?

SPARKY
That's right. she'll be along momentarily.

FATTY
to see you?
(Fatty is smiling knowingly.)

SPARKY
yes of course. for a meeting about the fundraiser. We have to cast two of the roles in the pirate play, or else it will have to be cancelled.

FATTY
and no play means no money, and no money means no Youth Corps.

SPARKY
I know that.

FATTY
But it's not a special meeting?

SPARKY
no no. I er, -it's just about the play, -coffee and cake and business. Which reminds me, I still need to pick up the coffee and cake before she arrives.

FATTY
I see. .. well, perhaps maybe this little breakfast meeting will give you an opportunity to formally ask her out on a proper get-together that is a little more personal in nature.

SPARKY
I know what you're getting at, my friend, and I'd love to, but I really don't think she is interested.

FATTY
That's a load of compost. Just bite the bullet. Simply puff up your chest, breathe deeply and inflate yourself to a posture of confidence. Then tell her how you feel.

SPARKY
You really know how to give a pep talk, Fatty. I'll do it.

FATTY
That's the spirit, old boy! as Virgil said: Pluritato esto Urinatum.
(as he waves a scholarly finger)

SPARKY
Yes. Well. ...
I don't care how difficult it will be, I'll just tell her how I feel.

FATTY
Just tell her how you feel.

SPARKY
as simple as that.

FATTY
easy as pie

SPARKY
piece of cake

FATTY
Speaking of cake, I'll go get you some cake and coffee right now for your meeting.

SPARKY
That would be swell.

FATTY
Don't mention it.
(reaches through the bars, takes the key-ring off the wall, unlocks his cell, replaces the key ring, and heads out.)
Just be strong, and keep that chest puffed.
(he leaves.

Scene the Fourthe (top)

SPARKY
(Musical flourish as Sparky drifts down stage for love song.
Sparky's interuption song (#3)
He speaks this as a short prelude to the song)

My friend he doesn't know it,
'cause I never really show it,
But I really really love that Special Girl.

I'm usually too shy
but I really don't know why,
so
(Song picks up and sparky starts to sing with feeling)
Today will be the day
that I walk up her and say:

I lov--

(Fatty comes back into the room, interrupting. everything stops)

FATTY
I'm sorry. I forgot my hat.

SPARKY
Oh, that's alright. (gets it for him) Here you are.

FATTY
She's not here yet is she?

SPARKY
Not yet.

FATTY
Alright. Back in a smack.
(he leaves.)

SPARKY
(gets back into the moment. music starts up again)
I'm usually too shy,
because I'm just that kind of guy,
(music swelling.)
but
Today is the day
that I'll take her hand and say:

I lov--
(Fatty interupts again. Music stops.)

FATTY
Just came back to remind you to puff your chest out.

SPARKY
Right, puff the chest out.

FATTY
And breathe deeply.

SPARKY
yes.

FATTY
Good luck then.
(He leaves.)

(Sparky and the Professor share a look. Music starts up again.)

SPARKY
So Today will be the day
That I'll hold her and say,
I lo--
(Miz Vinyerd enters looking simply ravishing.
Sparky falls down over a chair.

She smolders. Radiates a certain elegant heat.
She is beautiful, intelligent, and very in love with Sparky.)

(Love Music starts up again.
Sparky shushes the professor.)

MIZ VINYERD
Why hello there constable. I do believe I 've caught you in the middle of something. Would you like me to come back?

SPARKY
No no! I was just, -I was practicing some pirate stunts for the play.

MIZ VINYERD
How wonderful. You're just darling, aren't you.

SPARKY
(very uncomfortable)
Well... Good morning, Miz Vinyerd.

MIZ VINYERD
Good morning to you, Constable.
You're looking as adorable as ever.

SPARKY
(Sparky is having difficulty swallowing.)
..
...I have some coffee and cake coming.

MIZ VINYERD
You do! Handsome and thoughtful.

SPARKY
(still uncomfortable.)
Fatty is picking it up from Mrs. Underhill.

MIZ VINYERD
I simply adore fresh cake. Don't you, Constable?

SPARKY
... haha. ..
....
(awkward pause.)
sorry?

MIZ VINYERD
I say do you enjoy fresh cake, Constable? Nothing I enjoy better on a sunny day than a hot cup of strong coffee and a square of Mrs. Underhill's fresh-baked cinnamon cake. But I suppose a close second would be a picnic for two in the square. Another runner up could be simply a quiet walk along the River with a cool breeze and some light conversation. What do you think, Constable?

SPARKY
Well. Yes. ... You know..
(he strains to squeeze out some courage.)
Perhaps you would ... er. if it's not .. well, perhaps you would like to--

(The door opens, it is Fatty with the Coffee and Cake.)

FATTY
Steaming hot cake, fresh from the oven!
(He sets it down on the desk between Spark and Vinyerd.)
Good day to you Miz Vinyerd!

MIZ VINYERD
Good day Fatty. Nice to see you again.

FATTY
Always a special pleasure, Ma'am.
Constable, would you allow me to pick up your mail at the post office so you two can get to business?(winks at Sparky.)

SPARKY
That would be very kind, old Fatty. Thanks ever so much.

FATTY
Not at all!
(as Fatty sweeps out he puffs up his chest and winks at Sparky once again.)

MIZ VINYERD
Now, where were we?

SPARKY
Oh yes. Well.. I was going to say, ..

MIZ VINYERD
Yes?

(Sparky getting very nervous, but at the same time puffs up his chest.)
SPARKY
I just thought that perhaps you and I could.. well,
(puffing and panting and thrusting his chest forward)

MIZ VINYERD
What is it, constable?

SPARKY
Miz Vinyerd, (puff puff) would you do me the honour, (puff, puff) of .. of..
(blinks twice and then does a strange twirling faint and then falls to the floor.)

MIZ VINYERD
God save the Queen!
Sparky, are you all right?
(fanning him and leaning over him)
Oh my dear!

FATTY
(bounds in)
Sparky, Sparky, you won't believe the luck!
(sees them on the floor and gets the wrong impression. Three's Company.)
I say! Perhaps I should come back later.

MIZ VINYERD
Oh, Fatty, he's fainted, do something!

FATTY
Sit him up while I get the coffee.
(she does)

MIZ VINYERD
I don't know what happened, he just did a strange twirl and then fell over.

FATTY
It's alright, Miz Vinyerd. I'll just dip his hand in the hot coffee. (He dips Sparky's hand in the coffee pot. A sizzle is heard.)

SPARKY
(blinks several times and looks around. Miz Vinyerd removes his hand from the coffee pot and begins towelling it off.)
Hmm.

FATTY
Listen up, Sparky, you just got a telegram that means you and Miz Vinyerd don't have to cancel the play after all.

SPARKY
What?

FATTY
Listen up, Sparky, you just got a telegram that means you and Miz Vinyerd --

SPARKY
No! What does the telegram say.

MIZ VINYERD
Yes, what does it say, fatty?

FATTY
I'll read it for you.

"To Constable Sparky stop. Have heard of your benefit performance of the popular melodrama quote Captain Stump and the Pyrates of Gorb or The Treasure of Pig Island, comma, unquote. Brackets, a Nautical Melodrama in Three acts, close brackets, new brackets, with songs exclamation mark, close brackets.stop. by Sir Julius Toothpaste, full stop.
New paragraph. We understand that this is a fundraising event to raise money for Fort Steeles' orphans so that they can be trained for the Royal North West Mounted Police Youth Corps. stop. We are two professional actors who have performed in New York, Tokyo, Berlin, San Francisco and Barkerville.stop. We can't wait to make Fort Steele our next stop. stop. Will donate our services for free. Full stop.

SPARKY
That's terrific news!

MIZ VINYERD
Oh, now we can go ahead with the plans for the Youth Corps.

SPARKY
Right, if we hadn't been able to fill those last two roles, we would have had to cancel the Fundraiser.

FATTY
And no fundraiser means no money, no money means no youth corps.

MIZ VINYERD
Yes I know that.

FATTY
But now we do have the actors and we will be able to have a Youth Corps.

SPARKY
That's right. And what a Youth Corps they will be. What with Fatty teaching them sharp-shooting, and me teaching them equitation, (lightning whinnies from off stage.)-

MIZ VINYERD
And I'll teach them pugilism!
(fatty blushes)

SPARKY
Sure, you can teach them how to ... Pugil.

MIZ VINYERD
You mean box.

SPARKY
Boxing?! You can't teach boxing.

MIZ VINYERD
Of course I can. Why, I grew up as an Orphan. And in the orphanage I had to learn how to look out for myself: I'm fully proficient in the Marquis of Queensbury Rules, and held the Junior title in my orphanage for three consecutive years.
(Sparky and Fatty exchange a look)

SPARKY
Well, competitive boxing is one thing, but I don't know how it would help an Officer of the Law out in the Kootenay wilderness. (He walks around back of her). How would a boxer be able to deal with a scruffy bandit that snuck up behind you like this - (--)
(She clobbers him.)

Well I wasn't expecting you to be so fast. But how about if a bearded and reeking trapper were to come at you like this-

(she buries his face in the floorboards.)

Right. But would you able to protect yourself if a fuming apothecary hurled himself at your blindside-

(She knocks him unconscious.)

MIZ VINYERD
Oh dear. Fatty, I think I've hurt him.

(Fatty gets the hot coffee pot.)
FATTY
You sure can box, Miz Vinyerd. I'll just dip his hand in the hot coffee again.
(They dip his hand in the hot coffee. A sizzling sound is heard.
Sparky opens his eyes.)

SPARKY
Hmm.
I suppose that proves that you're the one for the job.
(Miz Vinyerd is towelling his hand off with the telegram. She notices something.)

MIZ VINYERD
Oh look, constable Sparky, there's more on the telegram.
Fatty didn't read right to the end:
"We will be arriving at Fort Steele tomorrow after spending the night in Canal Flats. Sincerely, Sir Kenneth Twisleman Sherston-Sherston Onionmoore Bilge and Dame Lola Windebagge Silverhorn Dumphries of Feston Haugh."
But look at the date. They sent this yesterday.

SPARKY
They should be on the trail by now.
I'd better go welcome them - give them a proper escort into town. I say, Lightning!
(clopping hooves are sounded off-stage. Lightning's Head appears from off.)
Fatty, don't forget to lock your cell.
Miz Vinyerd, I umm, well.(Romantic tension between the two.) Good day.
(He leaves.)

MIZ VINYERD
(She sighs.)
Oh Fatty, what am I going to do. I'm still not sure how Sparky feels about me.

FATTY
Well, as Virgil said, "Pluritato esto Urinatum."

(pause)
MIZ VINYERD
..thank you..

FATTY
You know, you seem out of sorts miz Vinyerd.

VINYERD
I am Fatty, I have a lot on my mind and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

FATTY
You know, when I have a lot of problems and I'm feeling overwhelmed by them, I sit down and I lump them into three bite-sized chunks. Problems from my past, problems from my present, and problems in my future.

VINYERD
Why that's great advice, Fatty. By systematically assessing your problems, a solution presents itself.

FATTY
Well, no. But it does sometimes make me hungry.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go give that telegraph operator the Jimmy Johnson for getting that telegram to us a day late.
I also thought you might like a clear stage for your song.

MIZ VINYERD
Thank you kindly, Fatty.
Hmm three chunks. Past, Present, Future.
(Music starts up.-.Y Me song
Song includes:
Her one wish: a perfect life with a family, children etc.
because she was an orphan..
-her crush on sparky
-her one clue to the identity of her family is the letter Y she has tattooed on her elbow.
etc.
(end of song she drifts off stage.
(Curtains close. Fatty floats on plucking the banjo.)

FATTY
Well, things were looking fairly rosy at this point in terms of the Fundraiser.
So Sparky, was off to greet the two "professional actors" on the trail. Little did he know, they were actually wolves in sheep's clothing with more sinister designs on our Fair Fort Steele than we ever could have imagined. And there they were, looming ever closer, like a Hawk swooping in on a whistle pig.
Let's join them now.

Scene the Fifthe (top)

Lola comes on pulling mother-courage-cart full of baggage. She puts it down, makes a broad gesture, opening her mouth wide. Huge Baritone Voice fills the theatre with opening phrase of some big opera. Kenneth pops up from inside the cart. It turns out that he is singing. Lola is simply yawning.)

LOLA
(interupting his singing)
Must you sing so loud, you great beast?

KENNETH
But Lola, my little creamhorn, I'm rejoicing like a cock-a-john for, you see I've just perfected my latest invention.

LOLA
Oh, here we go again, another one of your crackpointed inventions. Why can't we just pull a sting like a normal set of con-artisans.

KENNETH
Because what you see here under this handkerchief, my hot apple turnover, will allow us to dupe the entire town of Fort Steele, make off with all of their valuables and leave every man-jack of them stymied to pursue us -like mosquitoes in the molasses.

LOLA
You bearded loaf. I say we stick to the original plan and simply steal their precious orphan-money. You always complicate things with your chemisticular inventioneering.

KENNETH
But Lola, my blueberry tart, I promise you that this one will work!

LOLA
Of course it will, like when you tried to spray your "laughing gas" at the audience so that we could steal their valuabilities while they were convoluted with laughter.

KENNETH
Well that would have worked if I hadn't missed and sprayed that little dog with the full canister of gas. I've never heard a little dog laugh so hard.

LOLA
And what about the time you put itching powder on the theatre seats, but it was in a flea-infested Lumber Camp and no one noticed.

KENNETH
Well yes, but those failures were no fault of mine. This new invention is my crowning achievement. There's no way it can miss. It's my "Slow Motion Potion. -and Lotion."
(he pulls away the hankerchief revealing the tainted doughnut.)

LOLA
It's a doughnut!

KENNETH
Yes, but baked into the dough of this nut, is my "Slow Motion Potion- and Lotion"

LOLA
"Slow-Motion Potion--"

KENNETH
-and Lotion. And the only antidote to Slow Motion Sickness is the sound of a bell ringing.

LOLA
Baldersmash! That's impossible. Like the time you tried to invent invisible paint, or shell-less-eggs-

KENNETH
You don't believe that it will work?

LOLA
Of course it won't.

KENNETH
Well, my sweet baked rum cake, why don't you have a nibble and prove me the fool.

LOLA
You soporific snoot. Of course I will. Bahaha. "Slow Motion Potion!"

KENNETH
-And Lotion.

LOLA
and lotion. That's the zaniest thing I've ever heard. I'll eat the whole d-
(the doughnut touches her lips and suddenly she is trapped in slow-motion.)

Slow Motion Song (top)
(Song begins immediately.)

KENNETH(singing)
What do you think of that you little twit?!
Feel the magic of the doughnut you have bit.
You didn't believe my lotion,
so now you're in slow motion,
and you'll be there till this little bell you hit!

That's right there's simply just one way to break this spell
of this slow-motion that's holding you so well,
for it is my certain notion
that you'll remain in slow motion,
until you, or I, or someone rings a bell.

(spoken) Oh! too slow! (yanks the bell away as Lola just about reaches it.)

And I'll use this to wreak havoc on the land,
I'll do all the dirty tricks I've ever planned.
As they're playing by the ocean,
I'll trap children in slow-motion,
and toss their chocolate ice-cream cones upon the sand!

(spoken) Nice try, slow-poke! (yanks bell away)

Yes, if you'll permit me one distasteful boast,
It's the children who all anger me the most,
I'm a villain through and through,
and it's orphans, orphans who,
make my villainary urges boil and roast.

(spoken) Nope! (yank)
(to Lola)
So now I know my potion's good and strong
and I've had my fill of stringing you along,
just remember, why don't you,
who's the smarter of us two,
and I'll ring the bell and now conclude this song.

(Song ends with the bell ringing and Lola is making to lunge for Kenneth.)
LOLA
Why you blatherwick, duping me like that! If it wasn't for you we wouldn't be living this melonomic life of crime. (Takes a few steps downstage and adopts exposition stance. Exposition music comes in.) -Why, it was twenty years ago today that we were forced to leave the old homestead pursuing your fooltardy idea of robbing North America's children after our son and our daughter--

KENNETH
NOOO! Don't mention our children! Stop that you!(he is over by the piano stopping the professor from continuing).

LOLA
If only at least you'd remembered to bring that nougat.

KENNETH
oh, the nougat--

BOTH TOGETHER(Looking at the audience)
-that gooolden(vibrato) nougat.

KENNETH
(steps downstage and adopts exposition pose. exposition music comes in.)
That nougat I'd been so foolish to forget to pack, the day we left the old Homestead. That I had panned from our little creek that very day.
But shush, woman. what's that sound?

(off)
SPARKY
Hi Ho!

KENNETH
It sounds like all the cherubim and seraphim of Heaven.

LOLA
Or a choir of angels.

(Sparky clops on stage.)
SPARKY
Why hello there! You must be the two actors who telegrammed.

KENNETH
Right you are officer, This is Dame Lola Windebagge Silverhorn Dumphries of Feston Haugh, And I'm Sir Kenneth Twisleman Sherston-Sherston Onionmoore Bilge.

SPARKY
Pleased to meet you.

LOLA
And my name is Dame Lola Windebagge Silverhorn Dumphries of Feston Haugh, and this is Sir Kenneth Twisleman Sherston-Sherston Onionmoore Bilge.

SPARKY
...Pleased to meet you.
I'm Constable Sparky of the Royal Northwest Mounted Police. And this is my faithful steed, Lightning. (Lightning rears up and neighs.) Easy, fella.
You won't believe how pleased and honoured we are to have two actors of such experience and reknown as you folk. You'll be staying in deluxe rooms at the International Hotel.

KENNETH
Very kind of you, constable.

LOLA
And where will we be staying, Constable?

SPARKY
..in deluxe rooms at the International Hotel.

KENNETH
Splendid. And could you tell me when rehearsals are to begin.

SPARKY
Yes, rehearsals are to begin as soon as possible, sir.

LOLA
Superfluous.
I say, Constable, I was wondering if you could tell me when rehearsals will begin.

SPARKY
... As soon as possible, madam.

KENNETH
Marvelous. I was also wondering if it would be possible for me to sing a song that was written especially for me by the author , Sir Julius Toothpaste, himself. He saw me perform the role of Smugg in 1895 at the Oily Squirrel, and was so inspired by my performance that he wrote me an Aria.

SPARKY
Well. That would be delightful. I'm sure we could arrange that.

KENNETH
Wonderful. The Aria is entitled "This Is How The Pyrates Eat Their Doughnuts."
(winks at Lola)

SPARKY
Ah yes.Quite brilliant. (steps down stage and adopts pose to deliver following speech. Exposition Music.) Seeing as it was Pyrates who invented the Doughnut in 1555 and then Dutch settlers brought them over to the New World in 1567. Since then they have become one of the most popular baked treats in the North American pantry, commonly sold by the dozen.
But wait. Am I to understand from the Aria's title: "This Is How The Pyrates Eat Their Doughnuts" that cast members are to actually eat donuts on stage?

KENNETH
Oh, it is essential that they do!
(He winks at Lola)

SPARKY
I'm afraid that that's impossible in the case of young Fatty, playing the role of Scutter. He simply cannot eat, or even look at a doughnut.

KENNETH
Hmm. Interesting. (shares a glance with Lola.) Well, we can address that in rehearsal.

LOLA
And speaking of rehearsal, I wonder if it's possible for Kenneth to sing a special Aria written by Sir Julius Toothpaste himself. He saw him perform at the Oily Squirrel in 1895.

(pause. Lightning neighs.)
SPARKY
Yes,well.. Perhaps we should get you two to your rooms. I'm sure you're very tired from travelling. I'll run ahead and make the final arrangements.
Now, up ahead is a fork in the road: one path leads to Fort Steele and the other one doesn't. One way is right and one is wrong. It's terribly confusing and I myself got lost quite frequnetly when I first came to the area--but now I get lost quite infrequently because I figured out a clever way of keeping it straight.
Your options are right and left. Just remember, "left is wrong". Once you have eliminated the wrong option, there is only one choice left: Right is left.

Well, I'll see you in Fort Steele.
Up there, lightning. Hyah. click click. come on. here we go. there's a good boy. (Heads off stage.)

KENNETH.
Well, that went smoothly. But we'll have to find some other way to slip this "Fatty" character the Slow Motion Potion

LOLA
or Lotion.

KENNETH.
Yes. (a spark of an idea).. or Lotion. haha. Lotion. hahahah. Bahahahahhahahh.
(Evil music.)

LOLA
Yes! Lotion. BAHAHA. Hahaha.(She is not sure why she is laughing.)
(Curtain closes in front of them as they head off.
They reappear stage left on the road to the fort.)

LOLA
Now, which way did he say to go? Left?

KENNETH
No no, my little rum-ball. He said left is wrong.

LOLA
But didn't he say left is right?

KENNETH
No no no, my Cornish Pastie, he said, "right is left."

LOLA
But if right is left, and left is wrong, ... er..

KENNETH
Yes, if left is wrong, and right is left, then

BOTH
Then right is wrong.

KENNETH
So there's only one choice left.

LOLA
Left is left.

KENNETH
So left is right.

LOLA
Left is right.

KENNETH
That's right.
(..pause.)

LOLA
So which way do we go?

KENNETH
Oh, you little NewYork Cheesecake, just follow me.

(they leave, Fatty enters.)
FATTY
Well, needless to say, our two villains got themselves quite lost. They took the wrong path and travelled all the way to East Turkistan- a very tiny country that boarders China.
Fortunately, they met a kind Nepalese Mountain Guide who gave them very clear directions back to Canada, and they found their way to Fort Steele only one hour later than anticipated.
They both got a good night's rest and the next day were as fresh as two daisies and ready to start the first week of rehearsals.
Although Kenneth and Lola seemed a trifle odd to us Fort Steelers, we all got along well enough. And the rehearsals for the play went swimmingly. We solved the doughnut problem by placing the Aria right after the fight scene so I didn't have to worry about eating one. I hadn't had a doughnut in twenty years, so I didn't know what would have had have would have happened if I did. eat one. a donut, that is. you know what I mean. I get caught up in my verb tenses quite often.
Let's just move things along to opening night, shall we?
(he sighs.)
Tickets were selling well and donations for the Youth Corps were starting to come in.
All the donations were to be kept in a Pirate Treasure chest that was going to be displayed on stage during the play as the pirates' booty.
There were still many last-minute preparations to take care of before the show.
And on the day of the performance, most of us were too nervous to notice that the two travelling actors were backstage cooking up a dastardly plot that was certain to leave
Fort Steele in Flames!!

Scene the Sixthe (top)

(curtain opens revealing Backstage Drop. Props and set pieces scattered about.)

LOLA
(she is holding a sword. there is a tray of doughnuts near by.)
Why did you have me expulcate Sparky's sword? I still don't understand our plan. You'd better explain in to me one more time, from beginning to end.

KENNETH
(Rolling his eyes.)
Alright, but just one more time, my caramel corn crisp.(He gives her a bright red rag.)Using this bright red rag, you are going to smear Slow Motion Lotion on Sparky's Sword(he squirts some lotion onto the bright red rag. She smears the lotion on the sword with the bright red rag.) So that when his character defeats Fatty's character, Fatty will be infected with Slow Motion Sickness. That way he'll be out of the picture while we feed the doughnuts to the rest of the cast during my Doughnut Aria.

LOLA
But what about the audience? All of Fort Steele will be at the show. How are we going to inflect them with the Slow Motion Sickness.

KENNETH.
Very good question, my vanilla bean souffle! I smeared the Slow Motion Lotion on the armrests of their seats.

LOLA
I see! So we'll steal the treasure chest and then ride off.

KENNETH.
No, my kendall mint cake, we'll also rob the bank! And then burn down the town so they can't follow us. We can never have too much money. I still suffer the sting from having forgotten that nougat.

BOTH(with vibrato)
That goolden nougat.

LOLA
The one we lost after our children w-

KENNETH
Don't mention those children!! The guilt plagues me to this day!!(Steps downstage for music and pose.) Oh, I would repent my evil ways if only if I could have one more look at them. Why, it was being deprived of their presence that sent me down the path of evil in the first place.
But shush, woman. Someone comes.

(it is Sparky)
SPARKY
(He is a nervous wreck)
Has anyone seen my sword? I can't seem to find it.

LOLA
Oh, I was just polishing it for you with this bright red rag, Constable. Here you are.(She carefully puts it into his scabbard for him.)

SPARKY
Well. Thank you kindly. But I don't know if that'll help me with the sword-fight. No matter how much I practice, I can't seem to get it right!

KENNETH.
Oh, but you must. You must get it right! It's the crucial moment of the play. if Captain Stump doesn't defeat Scutter, I can't sing my doughnut Aria. (Has Sparky by the lapels.)

LOLA
(moves Ken out of the way and grabs Sparky's lapels)
But even more importantly, if Captain Stump doesn't defeat Scutter, he(Kenneth) can't sing his Doughnut Aria!

SPARKY
I know, I know. (to Kenneth)I just can't take the pressure anymore! (to Lola)I just can't take the pressure anymore. (to Kenneth)I don't know if I can go on! (to Lola)I don't know if I can go on. I can't get my choreography right, we've got this new revised pirate fight, and most importantly,(he breaks away and comes downstage.)
Miz Vinyerd.
You see,
(music comes in)
She is the one,
who's got me undone,
she bats her pretty eye,
and my heart starts to fly,
because I lov--
(Miz Vinyerd enters.
Sparky's pants fall down.)

MIZ VINYERD
Sparky! Pull yourself together. (He pulls his pants up.) Would someone help me with this barrel. Everyone gather around.
(A great barrel is rolled on stage. The cast all gathers around.)
Well, folks, it's come to my attention that some of us are a little nervous. The show is starting in 10 minutes. I've got butterflies in my stomach, Sparky can't keep his pants on, and Fatty is hiding in this barrel of pickled herring.

(Fatty pokes his head out and spits a fish on to the floor.)

FATTY
I'm sorry, Miz Vinyerd. I've just never been on stage before. I'm also worried about those doughnuts. I haven't been near one in twenty years. If I accidentally ate one of them, I might wreck the show.

SPARKY
And if I don't get my move right, I might wreck the show.

KENNETH
And if I don't sing my Aria, there won't be a show!

LOLA
And most importantly, if he doesn't sing his Aria, there won't be a show!

(Slight pause.)
FATTY
And no show means no fundraiser, and no fundraiser means no Youth Corps.

EVERYONE IN UNISON.
We know!!

MIZ VINYERD
(Basic gist is the following.)
Alright. Everyone just calm down. Take a deep breath. And hold hands. Come together everyone.
(they do.)
Fatty, no one is going to make you eat a doughnut. And Sparky, you'll get your move right, I know you will. And as for the fundraiser, we're completely sold out! And donations are pouring in. All we have to do now is give them a show. And what a show it will be. We'll give them the greatest show Fort Steele's ever seen. We've got Adventure, Romance, Singing, Dancing, and a happy ending. We've got two of the most famous actors in the world. Why, they'll be talking about this show a hundred years from now. We can't fail. Nothing can go wrong.
Now, I suggest we all sing the Sailor Ballad from the middle of act Two to get us warmed up for the show. Professor, that means you too.
(They sing a beautiful Ballad.)
Great work everyone.
Now let's go out there and knock their socks off.

CAST ALL TOGETHER.
yeah!

MIZ VINYERD
Let's blow their hats off!

CAST
yeah!

MIZ VINYERD
Let's do it for the Orphans!

CAST
YEAH!!

LOLA
Let's blow those orphans away!

CAST
Y- ...

(Awkward. They head off to do the show. Sparky
stays onstage. Curtain closes behind him for scene-change.)
VINYERD
Five minutes to places everyone.
(everyone leaves but Vinyerd and Fatty and Sparky.)

SPARKY
(Still riled up with excitement from the rousing song. He draws his sword.)
By the brine on the sea,
I'll make fish bait out o' thee.
(he does fancy twirl and then falls over.)
drat.
(he heads off stage)
VINYERD.
(only to Fatty.)
Now, Fatty. If Sparky can't get his move right are you going to be able to do the doughnut dance?
FATTY
I guess so Miz Vinyerd. As long as I don't have to actually eat a doughnut, I guess I'll be fine.
VINYERD
That's very brave of you Fatty.
FATTY
Thanks Miz Vinyerd. But let's hope that he gets it right.

VINYERD
Yes. Now you had better go and get ready. Have a great show.
FATTY
You too, Miz Vinyerd.
(He Leaves. She goes over to Sparky, who is studying his blade.)

SPARKY
What a remarkable sheen, I wonder what kind of polish -(his finger approaches the blade. Threatening piano music. He is just about to touch it when-)

VINYERD
Constable?

SPARKY
Miz Vinyerd.

MIZ VINYERD
I just wanted to thank you for all the hard work that you've done in helping me put this Fundraiser together. I'm so happy that everything came together, and it couldn't have happened without you.

SPARKY
Well... I ..

MIZ VINYERD
(Taking his hand.) You'll be wonderful tonight, I know you will.
(A moment of romantic tension is held for a moment.)
...
(suddenly.)
Oh, I almost forgot: here is your newly revised copy of the script. It has some last-minute revisions.
(gives him the book.)
Well, break a leg.
(She runs off.)

SPARKY
(Takes a deep breath looking after her. Opens the book. It bursts into flames.)
Good Grief. Well, here we go.

Scene the Seventhe (top)

(Curtain opens revealing deck of pirate ship as in scene the first.)

SPARKY
Tighten up that rigger, Howard! Hoist the fore-gorb, Hanky! Put a capp on that container afore she spoils, Smugg!

HOWARD
Aye, cappy.

HANDY
To be sure, captain.

SMUGG
Aye aye and good-bye!

CAPTAIN STUMP
By Jim, where be that Scutter. He's been gone for a score, that grimy bog! I swear.
(suddenly)

SCUTTER
(climbs over the railing onto the deck. he has a fish in his mouth. falls to the floor and spits out the fish. coughs and sputters.)
Here I be, cap'n Stump!

CAPTAIN STUMP
Well? did you finds the booty?

SCUTTER
(pulls the treasure chest up onto the deck.)
Oh captain Stump, belikes, aye, and marry! These waters be so rich that the girl fishies wear high heels, haha!
(crew rejoices)

STUMP
I knowed it afresh! Come my pretty ones, prepare for hawlaway!
(Grabs Scutter.) Except for you, Scutter. Show me yer pocketholes, cause I don't trust the likes of ye.
(Scutter comes face to face with Stump. High tension.)

SCUTTER
No man sees my pocketholes but me, captain. And my dear pappy. But he aint here's no more. He's retired.

STUMP
Your pappy was as theivin' as ye are, and you'll show me yer pocket-holes or I'll throw ya in the drink!

SCUTTER
Alright. I'll stand no more o' your bilge, you musty chaff! Taste my steel!
(attacks. swordfight. with belikes, har har, and ah have at ye, ye clam. The crew joins in for an all out brawl.)

STUMP
I'll eat ya for Brunch, ya buttery scone!

SCUTTER
You can rot, you pomp.

STUMP
By the foam on my mead,
I'll cuts ya till ya bleed,
And by the brine on the sea,
I'll make fish-bait out of thee!
(A great moment of tension as everyone waits to see if Sparky will complete his fancy move. He doesn't. Everyone is shocked. Kenneth slides in with some ad-libbing.)

KENNETH
HA ha ha. Aargh. Righty hoo. It looks like you lost fair and square there Scutter. The Captain is the triumphant winner. Ha haa. Give me yer sword there, Captain Stump.(takes sword.) Looks like there be no hard feelins on either side, so I say we sing a post-battle pirate song in which we commemorate our fallen comrades in the traditional pirate way.
(Doughnut Aria.
Kenneth passes out doughnuts during the song.
Song is sung. At end of song, Sparky and Vinyerd chomp on their doughnuts. Kenneth and Lola watch with glee. Fatty is frozen with terror.)

HAHAHA, our plan was a success. You fools. Those weren't normal doughnuts you just ate, they were glazed with my slow motion lotion.

LOLA
And that wasn't normal sword polish I used to polish Sparky's sword with that bright red rag, Fatty, It was Slow Motion Lotion.(she has Sparky's sword and slides it along Fatty's head, infecting him with the sickness.)

KENNETH
And there's nothing you can do about it. Because the only antidote to slow motion sickness is the sound of a bell ringing. And by the time you cream-filled cretins reach that bell, (points) We'll be long gone. Isn't that right, my little pound-cake?
LOLA
That's right, my yardstick. For once, one of you plans is a sweltering success. I believe this calls for a celebration. How about a couple of unglazed doughnuts.

KENNETH
Why, what a marvelous idea, my little chocolate fondue.(takes doughnut.) Yes, another plan gone perfectly, we duped the entire town of Fort Steele and now we've got a treasure chest full of orphan money, and from here we're off to clean out the bank. Then, as a final farewell, we'll leave you with a single Kerosene Kiss, and Fort Steele will be enveloped in Flames, like a strawberry mousse flambe. HAHAHA. Ah, the sweet taste of victory.(chomp. Slow.)
LOLA
HAHA. Now look who's the chocolate fondue. I'm tired of your half baked alaskan schemes and inventilations. I'm leaving you and taking the treasure chest for myself. I've been planning this for creeks. Good-bye you fools, I've out Walmarted every one. HAHA. It sure is hard being a criminal super genius. I seem to have worked up a sweat. I guess I'll just mop my brow with this bright red rag. (slow..)

(Slow Mo Fight Scene.
- they fight. etc.
-the villains get the upper hand.
-have good guys pinned.
-Kenneth pulls out a slingshot and goes to ring the bell with it.
-but before he can release the sling, good-guys wrestle it away from him.
-it(the sling-shot) gets passed to Fatty - who becomes frozen with terror.
-Villains get upper-hand again, as the grapple with the good-guys. Fatty is off on his own dealing with the sling shot, and he is the good-guys' only hope.
- Fatty ends up getting a doughnut accidentally rammed into his mouth. It fills him with power. He then fires the sling-shot to ring the bell and then bonk the two villains on the head.
-Speed is back to normal and Now Sparky and Kenneth are squared off with the swords.
-Kenneth attacks, Sparky defends, then Sparky says, "By the brine on the sea, I'll make fish-bait o' thee."
-He then does his fancy sword-move and pins Kenneth. Fatty then shoots Kenneth with the Sling-shot and knocks him down.
-Sparky and Miz Vinyerd detain Kenneth and Lola.
-Fatty holds them at sling-point.)

SPARKY
Why Fatty. You saved the day. You overcame your greatest fear, found strength in your greatest weakness, and saved Fort Steele from flaming ruin.

FATTY
Anything to save my friends and my town.

KENNETH
That was sure some good sling-shooting. I haven't seen someone shoot that well since our beloved son Simon left the old homestead.

FATTY
Simon?

LOLA
That's right. When our sharp shooting sling-shotter son Simon came home to repent his life of crime in the city, we were so angry with him we threw him out into the snow.

KENNETH.
We left our old Homestead soon after in shame and anger, foolishly forgetting our baby daughter and a valuable nougat.

BOTH KENNETH AND LOLA
A gooolden nougat.

LOLA
We then became criminal vagabond actors. Travelling the country and fleecing towns of their orphan-money because we felt such guilt over the loss of our children.

KENNETH
I know we don't deserve your mercy. I only ask that you be careful with that sling-shot there, Fatty.

FATTY
(Gulps) Why is that Mr. ... Twisleman Sherston-Sherston Onionmoore Bilge.

KENNETH
Because it is our family heirloom. Handed down from generations of Sharp-Shooting Sling-shotters.

FATTY
And so this would be the "Twisleman Sherston-Sherston Onionmoore Bilge Family-Sling-Shot"?

LOLA
No no. Lola Windebagge Silverhorn Dumphries of Feston Haugh and Kenneth Twisleman Sherston-Sherston Onionmoore Bilge are simply our stage names. Our real names are Wayne and Wanda ... Wingnaught. (Dramatic Music)

FATTY
I have something to tell you two. Fatty is only my nom-de-plume. My real name is.. Simon ...Wingnaught. (Dramatic Music.)

LOLA
Son

FATTY
Ma

KENNETH
Son

FATTY
Pa.

LOLA
Simon.

FATTY
Wanda

KENNETH
Simon

FATTY
Wayne

LOLA
I didn't recognize you son, you've lost some weight.

FATTY
I didn't recognize you ma, you've put on some weight.

KENNETH
I didn't recognize you boy, you've trimmed your sideburns.

FATTY
I didn't recognize you pa, you've trimmed your sideburns.

THE PROFESSOR
And I didn't recognize any of you, because I don't even have sideburns.
(pause. awkward.)
Although I have put on some weight.

(another awkward pause.)

LOLA
Yes. Well my joy would be complete right now if only I knew whatever happened to my baby daughter that I left in that drawer so many years ago.

KENNETH
She must be grown up by now. But the only identifying mark she would bear is the mark of the Wingnaught Family Sling Shot that we had tattooed on her left elbow.

(Miz Vinyerd steps forward.)

MIZ VINYERD
I must tell you all something. I am an Orphan. I was found in a drawer in an abandoned homestead. And I have a tattoo on my left elbow that for all these years I thought was a letter Y.
(She shows the mark on her elbow.)

KENNETH AND LOLA AND FATTY
The Wingnaught Family Sling Shot!(Dramatic music.)

LOLA
Little Martha!

VINYERD
Mom.

LOLA
Daughter

FATTY
Sister

VINYERD
Brother

KENNETH
Daughter

VINYERD
Father

LOLA
Martha

VINYERD
Wanda

KENNETH
Martha

VINYERD
Wayne

FATTY
Martha

VINYERD
Simon
(***jumble section.
Everyone speaks their line simultaneously.)

FATTY:I didn't recognize you because I've been eating a lot of dried fruit lately.
VINYERD:I didn't recognize you because I don't have any hearing in my left ear.
KENNETH: I didn't recognize you because I recently changed my aftershave.
LOLA: I didn't recognize you because I developed an allergy to cotton.

KENNETH
My joy would be complete now, if only we knew what happened to that nougat.

LOLA AND KENNETH
That Gooolden Nougat.

KENNETH
That Golden Nougat that I foolishly left on the kitchen table of the old homestead.

(The professor stands up.)
PROFESSOR
Say, Wayne. Some years ago, twenty to be exact, I moved into an old abandoned homestead. While I was unpacking, I discovered a little baby girl in one of the kitchen drawers, so I deposited her at the local orphanage. I also found a shiny yellow hat-banff on the table. Well, I thought it wasn't of any value, so I kept it and to this day I still use it to preserve my hat's shape. (lifts hat off of top of piano to reveal the gold nugget. it is the size of a bowler hat.)

KENNETH
That's no hat-banff, that's the nougat.

EVERYONE ON STAGE
The Gooooolden Nougat

SPARKY
Well, we can finally put that joke to rest.

(Kenneth grabs the nugget.)

KENNETH
Why it must be worth almost an hundred dollars.

PROFESSOR
I'm happy to see it returned to its rightful owner.

KENNETH
Now that we have the nugget,

LOLA
and our family,

KENNETH
-and our family, we can give up this life of crime.

FATTY
And I can check myself out of jail.

VINYERD
And now that I have my family, my life is almost complete. -almost.

(group parts to reveal Sparky)

SPARKY
.. aw nuts.. Miz Vinyerd, will you.. (he goes down on one knee as if to propose marriage.) will you .. go on a picnic with me?

VINYERD
Oh Sparky. I'd love to. (She plants a kiss on his cheek. He leaps into her arms. Everyone laughs. She puts him down and they walk arm in arm upstage to join Kenneth and Lola in Tableau. Fatty steps downstage.)

FATTY
Well folks, there you have it. A horn o' plenty spilling out coincidences, instead of miniature pumpkins, squashes, and multi-coloured corns. Here endeth the story. And the moral? I think the great poet Virgil said it best when he said, "Pluritato esto Urinatum".

PROFESSOR
Say, Fatty. What does that mean, anyway?

FATTY
Why, that's a good question, Professor. It means-(as he explains the meaning of the Virgil quote, a huge horn sounds from offstage.)
(horn ends as Fatty's description ends.)

PROFESSOR
You don't say.

FATTY
Well, thar be the Ship's Horn. It's time to Weigh Anchor and Scupper our Chunders for we be sailin' home.
(Cast breaks out of tableau to do Closing Number. Reprise of Pirate Opening Number.)

Curtain

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